Eight months on...
Okay, so as most of you know I moved to Australia in August with the love of my life...
So lets see what has changed in the last eight months...
Okay, so as you know from my last post I have become an 'instant mum'. That is all going well. Jakobi is doing an amazing job at school, he has really stepped up. He is doing fantastic with his reading and writing, which was a bit rocky when I first began to look after him. He is making a whole heap of new friends, going on playdates and being invited to birthday parties. My favourite thing is that he is such a different boy, he is super mellow and well behaved and isn't fighting for attention like he did. He has his days, but most of the time he helps me do housework and just wants to hang out with me. It is amazing.
He is currently away in Adelaide for the school holidays, and I miss him like crazy! I can't wait until he comes home.
My love life has gone into a complete downward spiral. On Monday, he just got home from work, packed his stuff and away he went. He told me he was moving out as he was unhappy.
Well to start off with this completely broke my heart, shattered it into a million pieces. Whenever I thought about it, it made me feel nauseous. That night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and I turned thinking to myself. Am I really that bad of a person, that someone who you were in love with could just pack up and leave, without a better explanation than 'I'm not happy?' He didn't tell me why he wasn't happy, he didn't even tell me what the go with us was. He didn't break up with me he just told me he was moving out. Nothing else, no explanation to why he wasn't happy, no explanation to what he thought should happen to us. At this stage I was speechless, which knowing me, was probably a good thing. I didn't want to get carried away in the moment and say something I would regret or didn't mean. I kept a brave face and as soon as I heard his car start I completely broke down, fell to my knees and sobbed, like something in a shitty dramatic movie. I couldn't help it. So after being awake all night making myself sick thinking of what I could have been doing wrong I decided to message him. And no, it wasn't one of those soppy, I am so sorry I will do anything to have you back here, you say jump and I'll ask how high? messages. I asked him to explain, I just said so what's the go with us? you left and not once did you say anything about our relationship. He replied with 'I really care about you, but nothing more than a friend' That reply made me sick, but at least then I knew.
I should have seen it coming. For the last few weeks he had been really distant. He would go to work early and wouldn't come home until I was fast asleep. Then on Thursday I seen he was messaging his ex girlfriend, who I have felt really insecure about our whole relationship. So I thought I would ask him about her. I had finally felt like I had enough power to ask. He told me that she had just had a baby and that they were still really close. I told him that I felt insecure about it and he laughed in my face and brushed it off. From then on he ignored me, right up until the day he left.
Now thinking about it, I was just convenient. I gave him my everything but it wasn't enough. I remember saying to him before we left, that he needed to tell me if he wasn't in this 110% because I literally gave up everything to go with him. I didn't want to move to Australia and I didn't want to move to Roxby. He looked me in the eyes and told me it was one of the only things he was 110% about. So me being me, I believed him. I packed up and moved. I got him a great job, my family took him in as their own, he never had to pay for rent/ bills or anything. We found him a car, I fixed it for him. I didn't get so much as a thank you for it. Now he's gone. He didn't even flick my brother a message saying hey I'm out thanks for letting me stay with you. What am I supposed to tell Jakobi when he gets home from his holiday? The other day they were planning on things they were going to so over the holidays, and when he gets home he won't be here. Why does it have to be my job to tell him? I'm not the one who left, he was.
As weird as it sounds I am kinda relieved that this has happened, yeah, it was a waste of an amazing friendship and a nine month relationship, but I finally don't have to compete for him, I don't have to constantly feel insecure and that I wasn't good enough. I don't have to worry about Michelle texting him saying I want you back. In our whole relationship he never told me he loved me, whenever we actually went out he never said you look nice or things like that. I spent most of our relationship thinking his parents hated me, well they didn't, he just hid every card they sent with both of our names on it. Whenever he went out he would never text saying don't wait up and there was never an invite. He never wanted date nights, by the end of it I felt like he was ashamed of me.
I haven't spoken to him since. Which is sort of weird, because since the day we met we have spoken or seen each other. So it is the longest I have gone without seeing or speaking to him since I have known him.
But shit happens, I wish him nothing but happiness.
So lets see what has changed in the last eight months...
Okay, so as you know from my last post I have become an 'instant mum'. That is all going well. Jakobi is doing an amazing job at school, he has really stepped up. He is doing fantastic with his reading and writing, which was a bit rocky when I first began to look after him. He is making a whole heap of new friends, going on playdates and being invited to birthday parties. My favourite thing is that he is such a different boy, he is super mellow and well behaved and isn't fighting for attention like he did. He has his days, but most of the time he helps me do housework and just wants to hang out with me. It is amazing.
He is currently away in Adelaide for the school holidays, and I miss him like crazy! I can't wait until he comes home.
My love life has gone into a complete downward spiral. On Monday, he just got home from work, packed his stuff and away he went. He told me he was moving out as he was unhappy.
Well to start off with this completely broke my heart, shattered it into a million pieces. Whenever I thought about it, it made me feel nauseous. That night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and I turned thinking to myself. Am I really that bad of a person, that someone who you were in love with could just pack up and leave, without a better explanation than 'I'm not happy?' He didn't tell me why he wasn't happy, he didn't even tell me what the go with us was. He didn't break up with me he just told me he was moving out. Nothing else, no explanation to why he wasn't happy, no explanation to what he thought should happen to us. At this stage I was speechless, which knowing me, was probably a good thing. I didn't want to get carried away in the moment and say something I would regret or didn't mean. I kept a brave face and as soon as I heard his car start I completely broke down, fell to my knees and sobbed, like something in a shitty dramatic movie. I couldn't help it. So after being awake all night making myself sick thinking of what I could have been doing wrong I decided to message him. And no, it wasn't one of those soppy, I am so sorry I will do anything to have you back here, you say jump and I'll ask how high? messages. I asked him to explain, I just said so what's the go with us? you left and not once did you say anything about our relationship. He replied with 'I really care about you, but nothing more than a friend' That reply made me sick, but at least then I knew.
I should have seen it coming. For the last few weeks he had been really distant. He would go to work early and wouldn't come home until I was fast asleep. Then on Thursday I seen he was messaging his ex girlfriend, who I have felt really insecure about our whole relationship. So I thought I would ask him about her. I had finally felt like I had enough power to ask. He told me that she had just had a baby and that they were still really close. I told him that I felt insecure about it and he laughed in my face and brushed it off. From then on he ignored me, right up until the day he left.
Now thinking about it, I was just convenient. I gave him my everything but it wasn't enough. I remember saying to him before we left, that he needed to tell me if he wasn't in this 110% because I literally gave up everything to go with him. I didn't want to move to Australia and I didn't want to move to Roxby. He looked me in the eyes and told me it was one of the only things he was 110% about. So me being me, I believed him. I packed up and moved. I got him a great job, my family took him in as their own, he never had to pay for rent/ bills or anything. We found him a car, I fixed it for him. I didn't get so much as a thank you for it. Now he's gone. He didn't even flick my brother a message saying hey I'm out thanks for letting me stay with you. What am I supposed to tell Jakobi when he gets home from his holiday? The other day they were planning on things they were going to so over the holidays, and when he gets home he won't be here. Why does it have to be my job to tell him? I'm not the one who left, he was.
As weird as it sounds I am kinda relieved that this has happened, yeah, it was a waste of an amazing friendship and a nine month relationship, but I finally don't have to compete for him, I don't have to constantly feel insecure and that I wasn't good enough. I don't have to worry about Michelle texting him saying I want you back. In our whole relationship he never told me he loved me, whenever we actually went out he never said you look nice or things like that. I spent most of our relationship thinking his parents hated me, well they didn't, he just hid every card they sent with both of our names on it. Whenever he went out he would never text saying don't wait up and there was never an invite. He never wanted date nights, by the end of it I felt like he was ashamed of me.
I haven't spoken to him since. Which is sort of weird, because since the day we met we have spoken or seen each other. So it is the longest I have gone without seeing or speaking to him since I have known him.
But shit happens, I wish him nothing but happiness.
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